Three years ago today exactly, was the last day of my corporate career. Most called me courageous, other’s crazy, as I watched their brain slip into the gutter of fear and hopelessness trying to figure out the age old question, “What are you going to do about health insurance?” I knew they wouldn’t understand my answer, “Quit my job.”
Truth #1. Don’t Let Perceived Popular Notion Stop You
It saddened me to hear my coworkers, who were in their 60s or more, who were retired government employees and now worked as civil employees say, “If it wasn’t for the high cost of insurance, I wouldn’t be working right now.”
Months later I discover that for all 3 doctor appointments, at the same doctors, I ended up paying less without insurance. When I asked why, “Because the system jacks up the price when you have insurance.”
Truth #2. Who You Really Are & Who You’ve Been Screwing
August 8, 2008 seems like so long ago. A time where I lived with no creativity and thought I wasn’t creative. I had no clue that I was a poet, writer, dancer. I had forgotten that I could memorize a page of single lined-text in an hour. The desire to play instruments, learn new languages and travel was non-existent.
It was a big step that felt so necessary, timely and natural. I didn’t know what would be next. I expected to go through some emotional and daily structural reorganizing, but I did not expect the physical.
After 8 years of using the computer mouse for 8 hours a day, my arm quit its job too. My right arm would not move anymore, so I had to put it in a sling and not use it for 2 weeks. My body basically giving me the finger for years of sedentary abuse, or was maybe it was a thank you.
Truth #3. What You Need the Most Will Find You…Whether You Like it or Not
A year later, August 8, 2009, after India and Nepal, I ended up in Thailand studying Tantra Yoga with one Yoga Master. The things dreams are made of until a top Shamanic Healer makes you recognize that you are still not happy living on the beach, studying and doing yoga all day with no responsibility. She said, “You say you are happy, your mind wants to believe it, your body is crying.”
She pointed to the accumulation of pain, anger, frustration and who knows what else that was suppressed inside my body only to be revealed when she would touch certain spots that buried intoxicating screams. The accumulation of all my childhood pain, anything that anyone had ever done to me that pissed me off, and everything I had done to piss me off…all still there, in my body.
I had not laughed for years. Thankfully Bali, and The BioEnergetic Enlightened Master Ratu Bagus, worked with me for one month until I shook so much latent crap out of my body and “started to accept light.” I told him I wasn’t leaving until I laughed, and he held me to it.
Even from afar, when he knew I was walking by, he would beam a light straight to my core that would hit me like a punch of incessant laughter. The first few times was surprising and confusing, later, a great honor to be one with divine light, even for a second.
I am healing from an accident, and in awe from a dream come true.
One morning my mind got triggered in every direction. Every thought that I’ve ever had that has held me back by making me think I have to do things a certain way exploded in my brain simultaneously. Ten minutes later I was holding my head in pure trauma and crying uncontrollably. I looked at my hand and there was blood all over. I looked around the bathroom and everything was knocked down and glass everywhere. I had gone straight from standing to head first on the tile floor. Without drying off, I put my robe on and held my head. So much pain!
I called and called and no answer, and no glass in my body. Finally help arrived. The emergency room, the CAT scan, the saline solution in the head which lead to 30 minutes of crying that left my abs sore for a week, and 2 doctors holding my head together as they stuck 6 staples in.
A month later, I get initiated into Kriya Yoga, which is The meditation for the evolution of human consciousness, by Yogiraj Gurunath. A 2 year prayer answered. This meditation is from the Nath Yogi lineage, of which you might recognize Paramahansa Yogananda of Self-Realization Fellowship, the man I grew up calling “Father” until I learned that everyone refers to him as “Master.” At this point, I just call him “stalker.”
While listening to Gurunath speak he mentioned how the human mind has expired, “It’s old machinery.” He transferred a state of Samadhi, enlightened state, to us so we can get a taste. It was like my mind was divided into 2 parts, deep ocean and above the water. My usual thoughts would come up and before they could complete themselves it was like they were getting beheaded. I stared at him while watching my thoughts try to finish their sentence and get cut off. Hilarious!
Six of my Hip Hop Tantra Yoga™ students came to watch Gurunath speak, 3 of which I was able to take backstage to meet the Master afterwards thanks to my Tantric sister Sissel who I graduated with in Thailand.
My whole body was vibrating as I was sitting in front of Gurunath. Even my gums where vibrating like I was inside a beam of pure electricity.
I write today, for the sake of slowing down, and noticing where one truthful choice that comes from the heart, not the expired mind of fearful solution, can take one person. Being around Yoga Masters feels natural, teaching Yoga brings me pure joy, creating what I want to bring to the world is pure ecstasy, hearing feedback from the community such as “I feel you connected me to my soul” feels like a shoulder shrug and an “aha, I know, I love you bye.” None of this could have been perceived in my mind 3 years ago.
I write today to re-engage your faith in yourself and give you permission to do it your way. Whatever you’ve been holding back and sweeping under the carpet like it’s not important and it doesn’t exist, bring it forth and let me see it.
I exist to experience my soul completely, and I like it when you are around. Nothing gives me more pleasure than being there for my friends and family in the most deeply meaningful and purposeful ways.
I used to have a corporate job and was “totally independent” and I wasn’t doing much good for the world or myself. And all that shifted with one clear message, “Until you find the true strength that comes from being completely dependent, than you will extract the most divine expression of your femininity.”